Have you heard the song "Maybe It's Okay" by We Are Messengers?
The lyrics go:
Maybe it's okay if I'm not okay
'Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life
These lyrics have become my mantra over the past few months. I've been having health issues, and I want to share some things I've been learning about God and myself along the way. These past 18 months (and still going) have been extremely hard for most of the world. From the death of loved ones to mental breakdowns. From rifts in families and friendships to isolation and depression. I realize that I stuffed down a lot of what I was feeling, pretending like none of it was affecting me. Sadly, it has taken a real physical toll on my body. I'm not okay. But I'm beginning to see that it's okay.
As I approached my 40th birthday back in April, I became acutely aware of things changing within me. Most significantly, the rhythm of my heart. Not a metaphorical rhythm. The actual regularity of my heart changed. I found myself having heart palpitations and arrhythmias more and more frequently.
I've always been a very active individual. I love working out and pushing my body to the limits. So as you can imagine, when these heart issues came up, they were unsettling. The one thing I believe I have control over when the rest of the world seems to be falling apart is my body. It was like I turned 40, and everything physically fell apart. When nothing I could do actually fixed the issues, I questioned everything. At my lowest, I didn't want to get out of bed. The fear of my heart just quitting on me or the constant worry of when the next irregular heartbeat would come made me insane. It affected my parenting, my marriage, and I admit, I even doubted God. My relationship with Him felt flat, empty, muted.
The turning point was when I almost canceled on my Soul Care director one Tuesday morning. As I went to cancel the appointment, I remembered how disappointed I get when people cancel on me, so I decided to keep it. And I am thankful beyond words for that gift. She gave me some essential tools to wade through the desert I was in that I want to share with you.
I will tell you that those simple yet powerful switches in my approach to daily activities have made a world of difference in my spiritual life the past few weeks and my relationships. They don't have to be complicated either—just simple reflections and actions.
As far as my physical health goes, I still don't have all the answers. I saw a holistic doc, my general practice doc, a cardiologist, and an endocrinologist. Multiple tests, opinions, supplements, bills, and co-pays later gave me some answers. It seems to be related to my thyroid, but I won't know for sure for a few more weeks at a minimum.
So I wait.
And choose to be okay with that right now, even if I'm not.
Be Still and Know that [He is] God. - Psalm 46:10
I will post more things I learned over the next few weeks. Until then, I wait upon the Lord and the body He has given me. I will seek to understand what He's up to while trusting that He is faithful in the big and small.
*If you want to find out more about soul care or spiritual direction, I have some great resources to send you. Send me a message or email.
August 17, 2021